Police Officer Cleans Up Crime in The Age of Fentanyl

By: Ryan Marino, MD

Butler County, OHIO – Local police officer Kevin Martin was not on duty two nights ago when he made the biggest bust in county history. 

“My wife sent me to the grocery store to buy laundry detergent; she’s usually in charge of buying that and doing the laundry, but I want to help out more now that I’m out of the academy,” said Martin. Little did he know he was about to help millions more people.

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Oxygen Shortages Force Nursing Homes To Switch To Helium Tanks

Phoenix, AZ – Anyone who has stepped into a nursing home knows you can’t get very far without tripping over one of the ubiquitous oxygen tanks. Recent oxygen shortages have led to an interesting situation, forcing nursing homes to switch to another, more interesting gas – helium.

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Nutritionists Successfully Halve Calories In Burger By Mixing It Around Like A Salad

Austin TX – Nutritional researchers from the University of Texas at Austin, in a 14 page study published yesterday afternoon, reportedly were able to reduce the amount of calories by half in a standard American cheeseburger by mixing it all around in a bowl like a salad.

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Thousands of Ribs Cracked After Everyone Accidentally Starts CPR at Bee Gees Concert

Omaha, NE – Anyone who has taken a CPR course knows chest compressions occur at about the same rate as the beat in the Bee Gees hit song “Stayin’ Alive”. Unfortunately, concertgoers got a little too excited once the song started playing at a show earlier this week.

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Emergency Department Celebrates Independence, Secedes From Hospital

Amarillo, TX – In a not-so-stunning move, an emergency department in Texas has formally seceded from the hospital it’s connected to. The emergency physicians claim to be sick of everyone’s crap and state they can do everything just as good as any specialist.

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Specimen Containers Land New Endorsement Deals

San Francisco, CA – In the modern age of marketing, you can’t look anywhere without being flooded with constant advertisements. A blank square inch of space is a lost opportunity for companies these days. This week, it was announced that one hospital’s specimen cups will be getting rebranded.

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