New Study Concludes That Weird, Half-Smile Thing You Do to Acknowledge People in the Hallway is Sufficient

Denver, CO – You know that bizarre, half-smile/smirk thing you do every time you pass someone in the hall that you don’t really know? Well, rejoice fellow introverts! A new study says it is a perfectly fine way to acknowledge someone’s existence while still making it perfectly clear you are trying to avoid them like they have shitting-their-brains-out-contagious cholera.

For those of you who don’t know what expression we’re talking about, first of all you are liars. We all know the one. It happens millions of times daily at our hospital alone. Pretend the expression you make when you stub your toe but are trying to be quiet has intercourse with the look on someone’s face while getting a rectal exam. The resulting baby is the face we’re talking about.

Anyway, a new study released this week by The Center for Appropriate Greetings Amongst Those of us Who Don’t Really Want to Talk to Each Other but Don’t Want to be Assholes (CAGATWDRWTEODWA) has concluded that it is perfectly fine to give that painful, near-effortless smile/smirk to one another in passing.

“People have wondered for so long whether they are being nice or coming across as a pompous ass when they do this face” said George LeFleour, president of the CAGATWDRWTEODWA. “It turns out, they are neither. It’s totally neutral. It’s expected. Just embrace it.”

LeFleour said the research study surveyed 10,000 people immediately after being the recipient of this infamous glare. Of those surveyed, all 10,000 claimed to be extremely uncomfortable but stated they would not have wanted it any other way. In summary, keep doing what you’re doing in this setting and acknowledge people as if they just told you the least exciting news you’ve ever heard but don’t want to be rude about it.

LeFleour says his organization next plans to study whether finger pistols are an appropriate gesture for anyone other than fathers-in-law. We would like to thank everyone involved in this interesting story. We will now sign off.

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