Portland, OR – Instead of opening up a harmless plastic egg and finding a simple piece of chocolate, this Easter your kids can be repeatedly indoctrinated with baseless, viral opinions. Founded by members of an anti-vaccination society, the eggs will each contain a senseless but relentless opinion that is strongly backed by emotion.
“We find that our kids are getting attacked by real science at younger and younger ages these days,” said Monica Turmerica, one of the founders of the new company. “By putting these very important messages in eggs, we can reach the kids before they are fully brainwashed.”
We got our hands on a few of the eggs and the contents are remarkable. The first egg we opened was decorated on the outside to look like chickenpox and contained a sound bite that screamed “IF YOU GET A VACCINE YOU WILL DIE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!” at nearly 100 decibels when opened.
After we regained our hearing, we attempted to open another egg. This one was lavender-colored and actually smelled pretty nice. When we popped it open, our office was immediately drenched with an essential oil cocktail claiming to cure all of our cancers. “YOU DON’T NEED HARMFUL CHEMICALS WHEN YOU CAN USE NATURAL SUBSTANCES!” It shrieked.
We were almost to the point of giving up when we spotted one more egg that, honestly, was very manipulative. “Come on, I’ve got just as much credibility as the other eggs. I’m just cheaper and easier to open,” it said. Fine. We opened it. At that precise moment, a chiropractor jumped out and immediately manipulated all of our spines. At that point we had to abort because a few of our staff developed vertebral dissections.
According to Monica Turmerica, a grand prize egg will feature a life-like hologram of Gwyneth Paltrow peddling various alternative health substances. Paltrow is even throwing in a few of her vaginal jade eggs (which are 100% fraudulent, btw), but we hesitated to ask where she would be hiding them.
White Coat Weekly would like to thank everyone involved in this interesting story. We will continue to follow.