Negative 20 Gauge Needles Now Approved for Use in Hospitals

San Antonio, TX – Hypodermic needles generally range from very small sizes (34 gauge) to damn-near garden hoses (7 gauge). However, things are about to get even more exciting with this week’s announcement from a needle manufacturing company that they will soon release -20 gauge needles for routine use.

“Sometimes, you want to give a whole hell of a lot of fluid really fast,” said Harold Schults, a top executive at the company with no medical experience. “We just can’t see why you wouldn’t want the biggest needle possible. So hey, we are making it!” Schults claims they are trying to mimic the size of a fire hose, making it really easy for patients to get a lot of fluid.

One potential problem with the needle is that it’s so long and heavy it takes multiple people to actually put the thing in. “Well, all those nurses don’t really do anything anyways from what I heard recently, so they should have the extra help,” said Schults, who has never set foot in an actual hospital.

Another potential complication is the fact that veins normally used for IVs aren’t generally big enough to accomodate such a needle. “We have just been telling people if it doesn’t go into an arm vein or something, just put it in that big one in the chest. The Vein Cave or whatever. It should fit in there.” said Schults. During one instance, however, a needle was placed transthoracically and accidentally went all the way through the patient. Schults declined to comment on the matter.

Of note, orthopedic surgeons are very excited about the needle. They claim that paired with their brute strength, the needle will allow them to access literally any space in the body and potentially any space in the person’s body next to their patient.

Schults said his company next plans to develop a scalpel the size of a surf board. White Coat Weekly would like to thank everyone involved in this very interesting story. We will now sign off.

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