Boston, MA – “It’s almost as if half of the patients just disappeared!” said Rex Mathis, Chair of the Board of Directors of InsureNone, when asked about Thanos’ new plan to improve their bottom line. “And his ethics and goals fit right in with our corporate mission statement. He is a perfect fit!”
This groundbreaking news comes the same week the new Avenger’s: Endgame film is released, topping off a fantastic month of public relations marketing for Thanos. “I’m just trying to do what’s right for all of humanity,” the large, purple-blue brute told White Coat Weekly. “I mean, a lot of these people are just using too many resources. It makes no sense… no sense at all…” he trailed off as he fiddled with the strange gauntlet on his hand.
According to multiple insurance claim workers for InsureNone, the number of strange events while processing claims is skyrocketing. “I’ll just be talking to someone on the phone about a claim, and they slowly stop talking. Like they just disappear into thin air. It’s bizarre!” said Steven Jones. “And once I was talking to someone in person, and they started to turn into dust. I thought I was having a stroke!”
InsureNone says if this plan works out, they plan to hire Voldemort as a consultant to discuss implementing Horcruxes for their healthy customers. Keeping them alive as long as possible could also decrease claims while still collecting payments.
White Coat Weekly would like to thank everyone involved in this story. We will continue to…. oh no. What’s happening? I don’t feel so good…