Varmint University Medical Center recently unveiled what experts are calling a revolutionary new treatment. Homeopathic researchers released their findings to the press today after concluding a nearly three year long study on the healing effects of bat bites. They concluded that the saliva of the native Indonesian Aru Flying Fox produced “undeniable healing effects” on test subjects. Benefits ranged widely from reduced hayfever symptoms to one trial patient seeing a complete reversal of severe cirrhosis.
“This is truly a medical breakthrough,” said 63 year old Doctor Malprac during our interview. “We had no idea the benefits could be this far reaching. I myself have undergone the treatment twice this week and have seen a tremendous increase in my LDL cholesterol and have lost nearly all pain in my joints,” he stated gleefully as he performed several impressively high knee raises.
During the treatment, which lasts only 30 minutes, the subject is sprayed with pheromones similar to that of the Tidal Bore, the Flying Fox’s natural enemy, and then placed into a device simply referred to by those involved as the “Bat Box”. There the subject shares a 5x5x6 ft space with over 25 highly agitated Flying Fox bats.
“Those little bastards are so pissed when you go in there, they seriously bite the shit out of you!” Dr. Malprac tells us. He then chuckles “But you know, it used to be a lot worse before we declawed them”. While in the Bat Box, experts monitor the subject closely over the next 15 minutes before being released.
Of note, the researchers have a 45-page list of limitations in the study. The most notable being an absurdly low statistical power, a p-value of 0.70, and the claim that ‘nearly all results were anecdotal’. Dr. Malprac does not see this as a downside, however, as it is more statistically robust than most homeopathic studies.
“It feels like an eternity while you’re in there,” says Jewels Antoir, a third year research student who has undergone the treatment, “I was pretty nervous my first time going in the Bat Box, and the bites itched and burned like hell, but you totally feel the positive effects before the bites even have time to heal.” Jewels claims she no longer requires insulin now after only six treatments.
The team is currently in talks with the FDA to open the Bat Box to broader patient treatment and hopes to see other hospitals begin replicating their work within the coming months. They also want to remind the public that like all medical treatments, Bat Box does come with its share of side effects including swelling, burning, itching, and a somewhat high likelihood of being inoculated with rabies. “You win some, you lose some!” said Malprac when asked about said side effects.
Malprac also has a vision to turn every hospital into a cave-like environment so bats could range freely, biting everyone without reservation. White Coat Weekly would like to thank everyone involved with this groundbreaking study. We will be following the team closely for exciting future updates.