Lazy Ass Bacteria Probably Won’t Infect Anyone Today

Parent’s Basement, CO – 19-year-old Tom Loafer has known something’s been brewing in his parents’ basement for months, ever since he started using it as both his full-time residence and personal landfill. This afternoon, however, he went back downstairs after a brief absence to get some actual clean oxygen and found a new prokaryotic friend.

“When I got to the bottom of the stairs I looked at my couch and through all of the potato chip bags, soda cans, and various other forms of grime I saw this big ol’ weird lookin’ thing. It was all gooey and stringy and was looking right at me!” Loafer said. “My first reaction was all like ‘duuuude’, but then I was like ‘DUDE’, cuz I noticed he was smoking my weed!” Mr. Loafer says he started poking it but it didn’t move much. He tried to talk to it but it just had this sad sack look on its face.

Loafer’s mother heard her son talking to someone and went downstairs to investigate. “Normally he only talks to noobs, or something like that, on his headset. But that’s mostly profanity. Today I heard him saying things like ‘bro did you eat all my chips?’ and ‘my mom is for sure gonna make you get a job’. So I got kind of worried.” She said she called the CDC as soon as she found the strange organism.

We caught up with CDC Director Melissa Cephalo to find out more. “We think it might be an extremely lazy type of E. Coli, but we are still waiting for our cultures to come back. We are talking so lazy that it for sure isn’t going to try and infect anyone, probably ever. In fact, we showed it some unrefrigerated raw meat we found in the basement and it just rolled its eyes and took another hit.” Cephalo also said the bacteria is probably so big because it’s too lazy to divide.

Tom Loafer seems pretty excited about his new friend and doesn’t have any plans to kick him out anytime soon. He says his next goal is to try and find a really big mushroom and some mold spores because he has heard they are really Fun Guys. White Coat Weekly would like to thank everyone for this amazing and very interesting story. We will continue to follow.

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