Administrators Pleased with Nurses’ Surprising Ability to Stretch Even Thinner After Budget Cuts

Modesto, CA – National Nurses Week always sheds more light on nurse staffing ratios, which are a well-known issue across the nation. The battle between patient safety and the hospital’s bottom line is a constant hell, but two hospital CEOs, though not always the best at showing gratitude, may have just found a solution. By physically stretching nurses thinner, they hope to increase their ability to care for more patients.

The administrators happened to be in the middle of a daily stretching session when we caught up with them. “I was just sitting at my desk deciding who to fire when all of a sudden it hit me,” said a sweaty Bill Buyers, one of the CEOs, as he slowly pulled on the nurse’s neck like fresh saltwater taffy. “If we can stretch–” he began, only to be interrupted by a weak, pathetic moaning noise coming from the stretching nurse. “Sharon, please be quiet. We’ve only got another few inches and you’ll be able to reach two patient beds at the same time,” he added. We then think we heard something pop, and Sharon was quiet. “Where was I, oh yes, if we can stretch our best nurses even thinner, they should be able to cover more patients. I fired most of our staff immediately when I thought of this.”

Don Donner, the other CEO holding Sharon’s ankles, appeared to be just as excited about the idea. “I am planning on implementing this strategy at all of my hospitals in the area,” he said. “It’s such a great- Ope! Sh*t!” he exclaimed as Sharon’s shoe came off with her foot still inside. “Well Bill, I’ll get started on the incident report for this one. But you know, even if 20% don’t survive the stretching, our overall bottom line should still improve.”

“If there are enough nurses to sit around and play cards, surely they can’t be spread that thin!” said Buyers as he held Sharon up to the light to find she is now so thin that she’s translucent. “There, that should do it,” he added, rather pleased with his work.

If this strategy proves to be successful, the administrators have plans to work with the CIA to implement a sleep deprivation curriculum so that employees can work longer hours. White Coat Weekly would like to thank everyone involved in this truly fascinating story. We will continue to follow.

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