Boulder, CO – Scientists and medical professionals from the University of Boulder completed a groundbreaking, 10-year long study earlier this week. Among their findings, released at a recent gastroenterology conference, they concluded that 90% of IBS cases and up to 61% of global greenhouse gases are directly related to Taco Bell consumption.
The study, following more than 5,000 faithful Taco Bell patrons, regularly measured the components of their flatulence. They discovered that up to 90% of their emissions were composed purely of methane, a known greenhouse gas. The study also found that flatulence increased on average 490% for 3 hours after consuming any of Taco Bell’s menu items. Cases of irritable bowel syndrome also immediately skyrocketed in study participants.
“It’s pretty clear when you think about it,” said Abigail Nuttem, a leading climate change scientist who spearheaded the study. “There’s a reason you feel so sh*tty and bloated after you eat a chalupa, your entire digestive tract is being altered.”
Vance McMoosel, a medical researcher who also participated in the study, says he was “completely blown away” by the amount of food the average patron consumed. “I had my doubts going in, but those quickly went away once I saw how much sh*t these people actually ate. The correlation is obvious,” he said. “Though these are technically people, when thinking in terms of solutions to global warming we need to consider them the same as livestock”. McMoosel also stated that many participants immediately developed IBS after eating a single meal.
The claim first came as a shock to the scientific community but it seems many are already beginning to accept its conclusions. Earthjustice, a leading climate change advocacy group, is holding a press conference on the subject tomorrow morning, where many believe its leader Bobby Chikennek, will push Taco Bell for a complete menu overhaul by 2020 in order to avoid them petitioning the FDA to re-categorize Taco Bell from “Restaurant” to “Live Stock Feed Producer”. The ripples from that change would undoubtedly rock the nation as Taco Bell currently is the nation’s second largest producer of food, closely trailing Coca Cola’s number one spot. “Honestly, it makes perfect sense to me, the biggest culprit of climate change was under our noses this whole time. Literally. I mean, we could even smell it. No idea how we missed it,” Chikennek said.
White Coat Weekly will be following this developing story closely as we know this personally impacts many of our readers.