BREAKING: Georgia to Retroactively Imprison Every Woman Who Has Ever Thought About Having Sex

Atlanta, GA – This week, Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp made headlines as he signed HB 481 into law, criminalizing abortion and subjecting women to life in prison if convicted. Upon further digging, however, White Coat Weekly discovered the bill will also penalize every woman who has ever even thought about sex.

“We just can’t risk it, simple as that.” said Kemp. “We aren’t really sure when life starts, and if a woman is thinking about sex, how do we know she isn’t conceiving right then and there?” Kemp added that although most men, himself included, think about sex every 1.3 seconds on average, we can’t be sure the effects men may have on the process until we have all the facts.

The State of Georgia says they have already begun raiding houses around the state to catch the criminals. “We are knocking down every door in the state. That’s our goal. We are starting with the kitchens, because where else would they be?” said SWAT team leader Joe Phillips with a privileged smile. Reportedly, a few people were injured when a Black Hawk was flown through a few houses in one quiet neighborhood.

To make room in the state prisons, Georgia plans to turn every Planned Parenthood center into a penitentiary. “We plan to fully fund Planned Parenthood now, but only under the agreement that they rebrand into a federal penitentiary. All the money will go to make sure every woman who has ever had a sexual thought stays where she belongs,” said an anonymous member of the Georgia State Legislature.

Georgia says if the plan works, which they are sure it will, they will begin imprisoning fertilized embryos this summer. That way, they can get ahead of the problem before it starts. White Coat Weekly would like to thank everyone involved in this story. We will continue to follow.

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