Hospital Now Hiring Gentoo Penguins to Increase Biodiversity

Juneau, AK – Due to an embarrassing lack of diversity in many medical professions nationwide, hospital systems are increasing their efforts to support minority populations. Most ideas have included outreach recruiting programs and awareness campaigns, but one hospital in Juneau, Alaska is taking a different, more well-dressed approach. Penguins. They are hiring penguins.

To find out more, we talked with Brad Johnson, a very white, middle-aged male who also happens to be the CEO (surprise!). “I was sitting at my desk one day thinking about how to increase diversity here. My first idea was to bring some Mexican or Chinese food into the cafeteria, and don’t get me wrong I still think that’s a great idea,” he said. “But then I saw a penguin walk past my window and it hit me! Not the penguin, bless its heart, but an idea!” Johnson said he has never felt so strongly about an idea in his life, so he went out to talk to the little fella. “Why should we only hire those among us lucky enough to have been born human? Plus, if we hire penguins, we get black and white all in one! I’m killing like 40 birds with one stone here.”

“The penguin was kind, it was courteous, and it was just so well dressed. I was immediately infatuated. I had to have him,” said Johnson. He immediately presented a contract to the penguin, but it couldn’t sign it because it doesn’t have any hands. “Plus, he’s pretty good at that weird greeting we all do.”

To find out more about the penguin’s job performance thus far we talked with Bill Bradbury, head of hospital housekeeping. “It’s been a nightmare, those things sh*t everywhere!” he said. “And they just slide around on their stomachs looking like total idiots.” We also talked with Gretchen Gretchbot, the head cook in the hospital cafeteria. “We have expanded our menu to include squid, krill, and all manner of crustaceans,” she said with less enthusiasm than an armchair.

Dr. Timothy Tomson, chair of orthopedic surgery at the hospital, seems to be the happiest of anyone about the new hire. “It’s an absolute pleasure to have a penguin as our new resident here with us. You would never guess it, but that thing can hit stuff incredibly hard with those fin things it has. I don’t even have to use a lot of my surgical mallets anymore, I just whistle and it whacks the hell out of stuff for me!

Brad Johnson says if the penguin hire goes well, he plans to hire multiple walruses, some arctic foxes, a few polar bears, and some whales. White Coat Weekly would like to thank everyone for the interesting story and we will now sign off.

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