Achtung, Germany – In an exciting development, surgeons from the Schtaticpol Hospital have successfully completed the world’s first blindfolded surgery, earning themselves a coveted rank in the record books. Both the patient and medical staff involved in this groundbreaking feat are said to be in good health and high spirits after the marathon 16.5-hour procedure.
The procedure, a simple appendectomy, normally only takes a half-hour or so to complete. Blindfolded, however, it takes much longer since the surgeons have to do everything by feel. According to the team, they have to squish and manipulate every organ in the body to make sure they are in the right spot.
Many people wanted to know why the hell the team did this. “I just vrillly vanted to do it,” said Acloof Shidler, the lead surgeon on the team. “1 year ago I vas performing da surgery, and Docotor Strödel says to me “I make bet you not can make surgery wifvout eyes,” so I tell him I will, and now here ve are today!” he said when we asked him how this goal to set the world record came about. Although the patient is expected to fully recover, he may have some permanent squish marks on a lot of his organs.
Dr. Shidler and his staff are only the third team to ever attempt blindfolded surgery. He said it was pretty difficult, but never so difficult that he considered retiring mid-procedure like that ‘American’. The first attempt, made in 1997 at a hospital in India, ended horrifically after doctors, having believed the surgery was completed successfully, lifted their blindfolds to find the patient had been lying face down and not face up as they had believed. The patient, unfortunately, did not survive.
The second attempt was later made in 2007 by doctors in Alabama. However, the surgery was scrapped only 14 minutes in when record keepers became suspicious of cheating after one of the doctor’s blindfolds was found tied too loosely. The team was subsequently disqualified from attempting again.
As for Dr. Shidler, he now has other records on his mind. He is already planning on attempting a gallbladder removal while he simultaneously pats his head and rubs his belly throughout the entire procedure. White Coat Weekly would like to thank everyone for this amazing story. We will now sign off.