You Won’t Believe What the Polio Virus is Saying About the Measles Resurgence

Travis County, Texas – Reported cases of measles so far this year are nearly double the amount of last year and the highest number since 2000. What a fantastic step backwards for humankind! The measles virus is very pleased with its sudden comeback, but one of its old friends, the poliovirus, is not so happy.

It was rather weird, but White Coat Weekly had the chance to speak on the topic with a large culture of the poliovirus earlier this week. “Am I jealous? Of course I’m jealous! To be honest, it really hurts my feelings,” said polio, “People are all sympathetic towards measles – ‘oh it’s not that bad, the vaccine is more harmful, natural immunity, blah blah blah!’ Then I go and put a few people in an iron lung and all of a sudden I’m the bad guy? Come on!” Poliovirus also told us it has become rather self-conscious about its looks, being a single-stranded, positive-sense RNA virus and all. “I guess being negative-sense is the cool thing to be right now, I don’t know.” Polio added that most of the time, it is so depressed it feels like joining that one bacteria on the couch.

In a similarly strange encounter, we caught up with the measles virus to get its side of the story. “Our battle against the old, proven vaccine was a long shot. We didn’t think we stood a chance but here we are! As rampant as ever!” measles said with what we think was a viral smile. Somehow, the virus was also wearing some fancy sunglasses and the latest from Gwyneth Paltrow’s clothing line. “The anti-vaxxers are just so kind and ignorant, we love them,” it added.

When we asked measles if it felt bad about all of the death, destruction, and terror it was causing, it seemed surprised. “What, me? Oh, come on! I am just giving people what they want, natural immunity!” measles said. The virus then continued to gaslight us for another 30 minutes until the interview was over.

Poliovirus refused to meet up with measles to try and remediate their feelings, which is probably a good thing because who knows what kind of superbug they could form. Polio did tell us, however, that it is planning a new anti-awareness campaign to try and stage another resurgence later this year. If successful, it hopes to paralyze and murder millions of people. Guess we will buy some stock in the iron lung!

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