BREAKING: First Cordless Baby Delivered As Heaven Tests New Models

Provo, UT – Late last night when McKinleigh Smith went into labor, she and her husband Chad were as excited and nervous as any new parents should be. Thankfully, the birthing process went smoothly for the couple. The Smith’s received a huge surprise, however, when their baby came with no umbilical cord.

White Coat Weekly has since discovered that Heaven is testing out new models of babies due to lower than expected birth rates through the first quarter of 2019. “People are on their phones so much, they just aren’t making babies anymore! Our main competitor is screen time,” said God. “So, we thought maybe a few exciting features would make people want more babies, and help us compete with Apple!” God said it really wasn’t that hard to do, he just thought up the idea and waved his hand and it was done. Heaven is hoping this will help them better compete with Apple.

We talked with Mindy Thompson, the labor and delivery nurse helping with the delivery. “When I was checking her cervix, I never felt a cord in the way or anything so I just thought it was a normal presentation and we were good to go,” she said. “Then, when the baby came out with no cord attached I thought I was hallucinating! I dug all around for that thing but couldn’t find it anywhere!” Thompson says she then checked the baby and it didn’t even have a belly button.

“This really is a remarkable moment,” said Dr. Claire Storker, the lead physician on the team. “After looking around, Mrs. Smith still had a placenta, but it appears to be wireless! The baby was able to get everything it needed by being in close proximity to the placenta. Fascinating. This new design is amazing, it seems so much easier to use.” Dr. Storker says she expects birth rates to skyrocket in 9 months as couples race for the new technology.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith are more excited than ever and are happy to have their baby. “We don’t care what he looks like,” said Mrs. Smith, “We just want him to be happy!” Mr. Smith, on the other hand, says his friends and co-workers are going to be so jealous and he can’t wait to post a picture wearing his AirPods with his baby.

If this new baby update catches on, Heaven says they plan to try out a touch-screen type display somewhere on the baby with pre-uploaded games. That way, you can play with your kid and your phone at the same time. White Coat Weekly would like to thank everyone for this amazing story. We will now sign off.

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