Emergency Department Unveils Bold New Stethoscope

Denver, CO – The chants of “What do we want? CT SCANS! When do we want them? NOW!” could be heard echoing around a Denver hospital this morning. The unveiling of a much anticipated stethoscope finally took place, one that is sure to make it even easier and quicker for physicians to get CT scans. The bold new design features an actual scanner where the bell/diaphragm traditionally sit.

Dr. Conrad Sullison, an emergency medicine physician leading the press conference, could not have been more excited. “Everyone deserves a scan. It’s a basic human right. And in the past, patients had to wait so long. Now, we can get point-of-care CT scans. What a historical moment!” he said, ushering in a roar of applause.

ScanNow, a nonprofit organization constantly lobbying for CT scans for all, has been working on the project for a couple of years. Dr. Rady Yation, president of the group, could not be more proud of their work. “No one does physical exams anymore. No one. So, why even carry a stethoscope you ask? Great question!” she said, pulling one of the new models out to show us. “This absolute unit has a CT scanner on the end instead of the traditional bell/diaphragm. It’s genius. We can just scan everyone now instead of doing a physical exam.” Dr. Yation refused to comment on how people would actually fit inside the neck-sized scanner.

We next took a trip to the reading room to see how radiologists felt about the design. “Absolutely absurd,” said Dr. Yoaster. “I already read 9 million ‘normal’ studies a day, do you know what this is going to do to me?” he then began to let out some odd wailing noise as he cried, so we quickly left the dark room.

Emergency physicians say if this new stethoscope works according to plan, they plan to test a new device that automatically gives patients a cardiac catheterization each time an IV is placed. “If something is going to poke them anyways, we might as well check just to make sure,” said Dr. Yation, who is heading up that project as well.

White Coat Weekly will continue to follow any updates. We would like to thank everyone involved in this fascinating story.

Leave a Reply