Millennials Saddened to Learn “Avocado Hand” Not a Fresh New Biohack

Austin, TX – In the wake of startling news about Texting Thumb, Avocado Toast Aficionados were dealt another devastating blow just minutes ago, when a public service announcement from the Hand Surgeon Society of America hit the wire.

“Avocado Hand is a potentially-serious condition involving a knife wound to the palm of the hand, often sustained while attempting to spear the pit in a useless, showy fashion,” the PSA declared. “Seek medical attention immediately if you experience such an episode.”

Millennials everywhere immediately shared the news through Instagram, Snapchat, and Reddit. They expressed an equal mix of fear and resentment. “I’m not sure what to think, to be honest,” 28-year old freelance vinyl record critic and part time acrylic painter McTylor Q. Harrington told us in a private interview from his Williamsburg loft with his Victrola in the background as he stood behind an easel painting still-life images of 1/6″ machine bolts. “I know I feel personally attacked by their violent language… “useless and showy” pretty accurately describes almost everything I do.”

“It won’t be long before Big Pharma starts pushing a vaccine for this,” surmised 26-year old Jessica Chudley between the clicks and clangs of her various facial piercings. “They like look for any opportunity to prey on an unsuspecting public, and they have all the doctors in their deep pockets, but they’d never get their ill-begotten POISON into my veins. Only pure natural opium makes its way into THIS temple.” she said, gesturing to her antecubital fossa. She then grabbed her $7.50 health-promoting kombucha and sped off on her moped, shouting an apology as she turned the corner, “sorry, I’m running late to teach a sweat-yoga class!”

“When I heard that my life coach’s partner Dherrick had gotten an Avocado Hand, at first I was super stoked for them,” began Michael James, III, a server from a tent city in Portland, OR told us in an especially-choppy video-chat interview with his parents’ dial-up modem humming in the background. “I didn’t realize it could possibly be a bad thing. I thought it was like a biohack that meant they could now make a killer Avocado Toast, or Avocado Mash, or Avocado Avocado, which is this hot new thing where-“

Nobody cares about that. But you can be sure White Coat Weekly will keep you up date with any relevant new developments in this ongoing story!

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