Finally: Big Bird Officially Diagnosed With Decompensated Cirrhosis

Sesame Street, USA – After many years of appearing extremely, blatantly jaundiced, the big avian terror from Sesame Street has finally gotten some answers. Routine lab tests drawn last Friday revealed a total bilirubin of 9,500 mg/dL, which when paired with other factors, indicates the large fella likely has end stage alcoholic cirrhosis.

It has long been suspected in the media that Big Bird had a drinking problem, but no one knew it was this severe. “Listen, y’all don’t know what I’ve been through. The Street changed me,” Big Bird said with a distant gaze in his eyes, voice trailing off at the end, “I’ve seen some sh*t.” Big Bird reports that he has been drinking at least 3 liters of hard liquor a day out of his favorite bird bath at the end of the street. He has had to leave the recording studio multiple times a day during work, often making up excuses to go drink.

“He once told me he was going to visit Cookie Monster, and then next thing I know I see him and Elmo doing crack cocaine and drinking Pincer Vodka with Oscar the Grouch!” said Grover, another resident of The Street. “We are all just so worried about him and want to help. We always knew he looked yellow, but we just thought it was his glow!” Of note, Big Bird does not consider himself an alcoholic and says he only drinks socially. It may come as no surprise, however, that he is a ‘frequent flyer’ of the Emergency Department at Sesame General Hospital.

We are unsure if Big Bird will be eligible for a liver transplant. However, we are hearing rumors that Foghorn Leghorn may be a viable option for a live donor transplant. We will continue updating this fascinating, tragic story as the details unfold.

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