Los Angeles, California – A team of surgeons has successfully completed the world’s first inter-species head transplant between a human and a moose, successfully attaching the head of the moose to the human’s body. This marks a historic milestone in medicine, and brings human-animal transplant science to the forefront of the public’s attention.
The surgery lasted a marathon 57 hours while surgeons and nurses, split into two teams, worked simultaneously on both patients, painstakingly reconnecting nerves, blood vessels, and other tissue between the two. Luckily, they did not attempt to perform the surgery blindfolded or it would have taken years. The moose head ended up being a near perfect fit on the human body.
Markus Valinsky, the human volunteer patient whose love and admiration for the majestic creature led to the surgery, seemed pleased with the outcome. “Aaaauuughhh, mmooooooaaaahh,” he told us with his now humongous moose head hanging over both sides of the gurney when we asked him how he felt about the procedure. Markus then thrashed his new hairy head back and forth violently, knocking down two nearby nurses with his 4 foot long, double antlers. He was then sedated by the medical team. “He needs his rest, he is very confused and skittish right now, we will have some berries and leaves from the cafeteria soon to help calm him,” the charge nurse said.
We spoke with Markus’ wife Jeanenne Valinsky afterward who stated, “I’m so proud of my husband, he was so brave to be the first to undergo this procedure. There were a lot of risks involved, but we both just love moose so much that we knew this was not something we could pass up when Dr. Schilling approached us as candidates.”
As for the old human head and moose body, there is now a mutant menace of a creature roaming the streets outside of the hospital, and it’s probably pissed. If you see what looks like a moose body with a human head on it, do not approach the beast.
The transplant was performed by Dr. Steven C. Schilling, MD in collaboration with Dr. Jennifer K. Johnson and Dr. Thomas J. Johnson from Tufts Medical Center in Boston. This surgery was approved by the California Department of Public Health (CDPHE) on July 8, 2010. The head transplant was sourced from a moose at the Wild Game Preserve in Los Angeles.