Doctor Sipping 47th Cup of Coffee Can’t Believe Patient is Addicted to Opioids

New York, NY – The opioid epidemic is a well-known, rapidly growing problem in the United States. Despite its impressive growth, the rate at which many doctors’ impatience and lack of empathy are growing is even more exponential. To further investigate this issue, we met with one doctor between sips of coffee to get his feelings.

“I don’t know why he can’t just stop,” Dr. Jack Starbuck said, sipping his coffee between each word. One of his addiction patients had just left the clinic. “It seems easy, just don’t-” sips again, “take the pills, you know?” He then tossed the empty coffee cup into a growing pile of dozens more from earlier today. “We even have all these programs to help him stop-” this time he guzzles a few gulps of a fresh cup down, “and all these other drugs, like methadone and suboxone. Just take those! Easy as that.” He then pulled a full thermos of coffee out of his bag and chugged the whole thing.

Dr. Starbuck says he thinks any addictive substances are harmful for patients. “Anything that alters our mind or body or makes it so we are dependent, yeah that’s gotta go,” he said as he double-fisted two additional Grande Iced Caramel Macchiatos. “Whoo!! I am buzzing, you ever tasted coffee? Fantastic stuff!”

In the hallway on our way out, we passed Dr. Dave Daventin, a severely obese physician, who appeared to be griping about a patient who wouldn’t follow his diet and exercise advice. He gave us that weird, half-smile thing and continued murmuring.

White Coat Weekly is grateful for this amazing story. We will now sign off.

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