Corporateville, Businesstown – An exclusively white collar town is in panic mode this week after an announcement that rates of iron deficiency are on the rise. The evening news ran a story detailing the deficiency, and chaos ensued before citizens fully looked into what the story was even saying.
“I heard that our irons were running out and I began to hyperventilate,” said Kyle Chadson, an accountant with the most crisply ironed shirts in his whole office. “If I can’t iron my shirt, I will feel lost. My life will have no purpose. I think I would… die,” he continued. Chadson reports that he has ironed 3 shirts every day since his conception. He once had a small wrinkle on his shirt that he missed, and it took him 4 months to recover.
The actual story came after an investigation found everyone in the town is malnourished due to working so much. This has led to an actual nutritional iron deficiency, but the citizens want nothing to do with that. “Dietary iron? Pshh, I eat donuts for lunch every day from the food truck downstairs. No way that isn’t healthy,” said Carl Hensley, another worker in the city. He was extremely pale looking and very fatigued when we talked to him.
Every store in the entire city immediately sold out of irons after the story broke. “We just can’t take any chances. Can you imagine having a wrinkly shirt? I’d rather die. That’s why I bought every iron I could find. I have 26 of them now,” said another worker. According to retail experts, the hysteria over this iron deficiency could actually lead to a real iron deficiency nationwide due to a very small percentage of the population owning all of the irons.
No predictions have been made yet as to how many wrinkly shirts this will lead to. White Coat Weekly will continue to follow and update as necessary!