Cleveland, OH – We all have one – that bathroom at your workplace that ALMOST feels like home. You may have to go twenty minutes out of your way to get there, but you can be at ease while you take care of business. It’s your safe place. The quiet comfort it brings makes this news all the more tragic – it’s closed indefinitely.
No one exactly knows why the bathroom is closed, but it has displaced a few people back to the normal, more public-feeling restrooms. “I go there every single day at 11:53. It’s been like that for a couple of years now,” said third-year surgery resident Daniel Eagerton. “I’m not sure what I’ll do now, I guess just hold it?” Eagerton says he hasn’t been home in 3 weeks due to his call schedule, so that bathroom is the one place he finds peace. Looks like he may have to have some bowel obstruction surgery himself pretty soon.
One eyewitness, housekeeping staff Ferdinand Mclellan, has his theories. “At first there was a smell. I thought it was just this one guy that comes at the same time every week, but then it was different. Stronger. More…” he paused to waft some air into his nostrils, “Earthy.” Disgusting. Anyway, Mclellan thinks the bathroom may have simply been destroyed.
Other leading theories are that the bathroom may be remodeled and used for some other kind of space due to the rapid growth of the hospital. Administration may use the small, windowless space as a new office incentive for whoever can generate the most revenue next month. Anyway, all we know is that y’all will have to find somewhere else to poop.