CPR Machine Giving Out Free Hugs This Weekend

Madison, WI – The cool looking machines that apply a Herculean amount of force on your chest to perform CPR are giving out free hugs this weekend at a local health fair. The event is part of a fundraiser to raise CPR awareness, and everyone will have the chance to feel like a train is hitting their chest at 9,000 MPH.

“I tried it this morning, it was awesome!” said Robert Cavechest. “My entire chest wall is black and blue, and it’s now concave, but it was totally worth it!” He had a hard time getting his words out due to a crushed diaphragm, but we got the point. Cavechest said he literally thought he was going to die and it was exhilarating. “I can’t believe this is free!”

The Lucas device. You just lay in the middle on your back and it beats the hell out of your chest.

When we arrived at the fair, we were just about to ask where the free hug booth was set up when we started hearing screams, moans, and what we think was the sound of chest cartilage and bone being crushed. We hurried to the scene and saw a poor, 87-year-old woman getting absolutely decimated by the machine. I mean, she was really getting reamed. All while her husband cheered her on from the side.

The event organizers have been planning the fair for months, but the idea to include free CPR machine hugs just hit them last minute. “One of the face painters cancelled on us, so we were trying to think of something that could bring that same level of joy to the people,” said Susan Nobreath. “Someone suggested free hugs, and we’ve always wanted to show off our new CPR machine. So putting them together, it’s just so perfect!”

The free hug booth has been a huge success, so next year event organizers are considering letting people use the DaVinci Robot on each other. White Coat Weekly is thankful for this amazing story, we will now sign off.

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