By: Artie Plush
Washington, DC—In an unprecedented move, the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved a combination pill that includes both an opioid and benzodiazepine, called Chilaxen, to treat something pharmaceutical companies are calling Life Pain Disorder (LPD).
“With everything going on, there is an epidemic of LPD in this country, and we feel like this is going to be the best treatment available,” said one FDA official during a press conference, “Everyone’s life just hurts.” Instead of conferring with actual doctors, the FDA just worked with extremely persuasive pharmaceutical companies to do the deal. “Some are concerned with the safety of this pill, but we figure that so many people are prescribed both of these medication classes anyway, so why not let the pharmaceutical industry make some more money with a new combo?” A pharmaceutical rep at the press conference nodded vigorously at this last part.
While LPD is an unconfirmed diagnosis, it could potentially effect tens of millions of Americans according to pharmaceutical executive Dr. Shirley Bevel. “We have found that if you pump people up with opioids and benzodiazepines, it makes them feel better than their baseline. Thus, there must be some sort of underlying disorder here. And where there is an underlying disorder, there’s money… ahem… I mean motivation, to make a new treatment! It’s going to help everyone forget about their problems.” Dr. Bevel says that all insurance companies will approve Chilaxen without so much as batting an eyelid, but prior authorizations for other medications will remain impossible to obtain.
The next step in treating LPD includes adding marijuana to Chilaxen. This newer combo just started the FDA approval process and is expected to be approved by the end of the month.