New York, NY – In a much anticipated move, the CDC announced late Saturday that all infectious disease physicians will be replaced by keyboard warriors, effective immediately. The change comes after six weeks of incredibly impressive, unsolicited advice being dealt out by the commoners on social media.
According to officials, a group of amateur bloggers, former conspiracy theorists, and anti-vaxxers have united to offer the most concise, effective treatment plan in the history of pandemics.”The general public has basically solved this pandemic,” the CDC said. “We have gathered all of the data from millions of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram posts, and will be releasing combined guidelines from all of the metadata.”
Dr. Karen Avirus, a soon-to-be former infectious disease doctor from New York, is having a hard time coming to terms with the decision. “I read the report, and I must admit, it’s pretty good. These new specialists state they will end all stay-at-home orders, but also simultaneously enforce them. They will also restart the economy, but also not restart it. And perhaps most impressively, they will both test everyone, but also not test anyone.”
White Coat Weekly attempted to interview members of the Average Joe Task Force, but each was too busy listing ‘just the facts’ on Facebook. If this new plan ends up working out, the CDC says they will next reach out to various species of animals to replace surgeons.