Category: Controversy

REPORT: Anti-Vaxxers OK With Medical Interventions As Long As They Don’t Prevent Deadly Illness

Provo, UT – To the delight of measles viruses everywhere, the anti-vaccine crowd has been causing a surprisingly loud fuss for a few years now. You would think they’d be anti-basically-everything medical if they are denying something as proven and simply as vaccines, but it turns out that’s not the case.

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REPORT: Trump Now Wants To Build Wall Out Of Blood-Brain Barrier

El Paso, TX – Everyone knows of Trump’s undying passion to build a border wall, it’s all he’s talked about for years. The Trump Administration has proposed several border wall prototypes and gone through various different plans, but Trump thinks they have finally figured it out. He wants to build the wall out of harvested blood-brain barriers.

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Snake On Rod Of Asclepius Burned Out, Tired Of Hanging On

Chicago, IL – The Rod of Asclepius consists of a serpent-entwined rod wielded by the Greek god Asclepius, a deity associated with healing and medicine. It is often confused with the Caduceus, which will be important later in this story. As it turns out, the snake on this Rod is really burned out and may not be able to hang on much longer.

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Trump Declares Sickle Cell Patients “Communists”

Washington, D.C. – In an alarming and off-the-rails press conference early this morning, President Trump shockingly veered off topic and declared all sickle cell patients as “communists”. The President claims we all should have seen it coming, as the cells literally have half of the hammer and sickle logo inside of them. The press conference was originally scheduled to last only 20 minutes, just enough to allow the administration to answer questions surrounding the trade war with China.

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Finally: Big Bird Officially Diagnosed With Decompensated Cirrhosis

Sesame Street, USA – After many years of appearing extremely, blatantly jaundiced, the big avian terror from Sesame Street has finally gotten some answers. Routine lab tests drawn last Friday revealed a total bilirubin of 9,500 mg/dL, which when paired with other factors, indicates the large fella likely has end stage alcoholic cirrhosis.

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FBI Accuses Chinese Manufactured Stethoscopes Of Espionage

Bethesda, MD – The Federal Bureau of Investigation made a shocking announcement this morning, accusing China of using stethoscopes sold to the U.S. for spying inside hospitals. The accusation specifically names Chinese medical manufacturer WeeCU Inc. but states that “other manufacturers are under investigation as well”. During the press announcement, the FBI mandated a full recall of all WeeCU Inc.’s latest model stethoscopes across the nation, with more possible recalls in the near future.

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